Volume II: Quotes Not Dead

Brought to you by Michael

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The quotations

"I could go for some food; fuck the folks and fun." 
- Tom Felton

"All so-called revealed religions consist mainly of three portions, a cosmogony more or less mythical, a history more or less falsified, and a moral code more or less pure."
- Sir Richard Francis Burton

"Time: a landing field! Death needs time like a junkie needs junk." 
- William S. Burroughs

"Yet man dies not while the world, at once his mother and his monument, remains. His name is forgotton, indeed, but the breath he breathed yet stirs the pine-tops on the mountains, the sound of the words he spoke yet echoes on through space; the thoughts 
his brain gave birth to we have inherited today; his passions are our cause of life; the joys and sorrows that he felt are our familiar friends - the end from which he fled aghast will surely overtake us also."
- H. Rider Haggard, _King Solomon's Mines_ 

"Too far East is West."
- English proverb

"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility." 
- Albert Einstein, 1936

"It's a sick society that considers this humor." 
- attributed to Townie Q. Shiflette, on the UVa Pep Band 

"We rarely repent of having eaten too little." 
- Thomas Jefferson

"You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies." 
- Steve Martin, _Grand Canyon_

"Wrong glass, sir..."
- waiter at the Chez Paul

"Tell your mother I'll pick her up at 8:00 - and it's her turn to buy the condoms."
- Tony Turner, 1988

"Gary, there are motorcycles in my house!" "Wyatt, there are killer mutants in your house...." 
- Gary & Wyatt, _Weird Science_

"We can do anything we want - we're college students!!" 
- Boone, Delta Tau Chi

- Jake & Elwood Blues

"God is in the details."
- ?

"Remember, only you can prevent axe murders." 
- adapted from Smokey Bear

"Golf is a good walk spoiled."
- Mark Twain

"It's a good thing we're not loaded...." 
- Danny "Beast" Benjamin

"Heineken?!? FUCK THAT SHIT!!! Pabst Blue Ribbon!!!" 
- Frank, _Blue Velvet_

"Somebody's gonna have to go back and get a SHITLOAD of dimes!" 
- cowboy at a toll booth, _Blazing Saddles_ 

"That Terminator is out there. It can't be reasoned with. It can't be bargained with. It doesn't feel pity, or fear, or remorse. And it absolutely WILL NOT STOP, EVER, until you are dead." 
- Sergeant Kyle Reese

"You're gonna look mighty funny with that knife rammed up your ass." 
- The High Plains Drifter

"What is a house, anyway, but a big place to keep all your stuff? If we didn't have so much stuff... we could just walk around all the time." 
- George Carlin

"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing, or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so." 
- Hunter S. Thomspson's attorney

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
- Klingon proverb

"And when Tweedle Beetles battle with their paddles in a puddle in a bottle, and the bottle's on a poodle, and the poodle's eating noodles, it's a Tweedle Beetle Noodle Poodle Puddle Bottle Paddle Battle." 
- Dr. Suess, _Fox in Sox_

"The other night, I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the FUCK is my roof?!?'" 
- Anon.

"Life is a tale told by an idiot - full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." 
- Wm. Shakespeare

"No cop was ever born who wasn't a sucker for a finely-executed high-speed Controlled Drift all the way around one of those clover-leaf freeway interchanges."
- Hunter S. Thompson, _Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas_ 

"So: see ya, and I wouldn't wanna be ya." 
- Wesley Snipes

"This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indul
gence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men... re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poe
- Walt Whitman

"I try to make TV watching a complete forfeiture of experience." 
- C. Lott

"...false monks, charlatans, swindlers, cheats, tramps and tatterdemalions, lepers and cripples, jugglers, invalid mercenaries, wandering Jews escaped from the infidels with their spirit broken, lunatics, fugitives under banishment, malefactors with an ea
r cut off, sodomites, and along with them ambulant artisans, weavers, tinkers, chair-menders, knife-grinders, basket-weavers, masons, and also rogues of every stripe, forgers, scoundrels, cardsharps, rascals, bullies, reprobates, recreants, frauds, hoolig
nas, simoniacal and embezzling canons and priests, people who lived on the credulity of others, counterfeiters of bulls and papal seals, peddlers of indulgences, false paralytics who lay at church doors, vagrants fleeing from convents, relic-sellers, pard
oners, soothsayers and fortune-tellers, necromancers, healers, bogus alms-seekers, fornicators of every sort, corruptors of nums and maidens by deception or violence, sumulators of dropsy, epilepsy, hemorrhoids, gout, and sores, as well as melancholy madn
- Umberto Eco [perhaps describing the Pep Band?] 

"Sex is not the answer, sex is the question. Yes is the answer." 
- Anon.

"Your true whaler owes no allegiance but to the King of Cannibals, and is ready at any moment to rebel against him." 
- Herman Melville

"I'm just a quiet brother getting by in this world." 
- T. Jackson

"Mr. Blutarski: Zero point zero. Seven years of college down the drain." 
- Dean Vernon Wormer

"That would take years and cost thousands of lives." 
- Otter, Delta Tau Chi

"The future belongs to those who dare."
- Anon.

"To say of what is that it is not, or of what is not that it is, is false; while to say of what is that it is, or of what is not that it is not, is true."
- Aristotle, _Metaphysics_

"You can no more win a war than an earthquake." 
- Jeannette Rankin, the only member of Congress to 
vote against both the declarations of WWI and WWII

"Action, this day."
- Winston Churchhill

"They say a city in the desert lies
The vanity of an ancient king
But the city lies in broken pieces
Where the winds howl and the vultures sing These are the works of man
This is the sum of our ambition"
- Sting

"So, rather than appear foolish afterward, I renounce seeming clever now." 
- William of Baskerville, _The Name of the Rose_ 

"It's good to be the King."
- The King

"How bad it gets, you can't imagine
The burning wax, the breath of reptiles
God is not marked, he knows our business Karma could take us at any moment
Carve him up, I think we're finished
You know it's never been so exotic
But I don't know, my dreams are viscious We could still end up with the great big fishes." 
- Shriekback

"I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove anything." 
- Bart Simpson

"If I had a hammer... there'd be no folk singers." 
- Anon.

"Things didn't quite work out like we wanted them too, but... we still have you, and you still have us."
- Dawn Staley, in a farewell address to fans of the 
91-92 UVa women's basketball team

"I'm a walkin' nightmare, an arsenal of doom 
I kill conversation as I walk into the room I'm a three-lined whip, I'm the sort of thing they ban I'm a walkin' disaster, I'm the Demolition Man" 
- Sting

"Oh God, please let there be just one more real estate boom, and I promise I won't piss it away this time."
- bumper sticker spotted in Texas in mid-80's 

"If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it." 
- Linda Furney, Ohio State Senator

"Women are looking for the one man who can satisfy their every need and desire. Men are looking for every woman who can satisfy their one need and desire."
- ?

"I cannot live without books."
- Thomas Jefferson

"I don't want to live in a county that can't manufacture its own televisions." 
- Ross Perot

"They all looked back on their grammar-school days with as much disdain as university students on their high school days." 
- Herman Hesse, 1906

"Don't like my driving? Dial 1 (800) I'M GONNA FUCKING DIE!!" 
- Hudson Hawk, from a speeding gurney

"I must tell you that I've been enjoying my involuntary retirement. And I sincerely hope that George Bush will be sharing that pleasure with me come January."
- Jimmy Carter, 1992 Democratic National Convention 

"CHRIST, did a cow shit in here?!?"
- houseguest in a carpet deodorizer commercial 

"Early religions were like muddy ponds with lots of foliage. Concealed there, the fish of the soul could splash and feed. Eventually, however, religions became aquariums. Then, hatcheries. From farm fingerling to frozen fish stick is a short swim."
- Tom Robbins, _Skinny Legs and All_

"Okay, you fuckers, laugh it up."
- Jason Setser

"And the sea will grant each man new hope... his sleep bring dreams of home." 
- Christopher Columbus

"No farewells. Not in this land. And no greetings, no names. The forests speak. The dead talk at night. God bless you both." 
- The Blackrobe

"Life. Live it."

"I'm just about as fucked up as a football bat." 
- Drunk guy

"Honest poverty is a gem that even a king might feel proud to call his own, but I wish to sell out. I have sported that kind of jewelry long enough. I want some variety."
- Sam Clemens

"...if somebody hits you, you hit them back. Even if it does look like they haven't eaten in a long time."
- Charles Barkley, after elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent 

"Only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the noonday sun." 
- Indian proverb

"Sometimes, the road is less traveled for a reason." 

"Follow your bliss."
- Joseph Campbell

"This had better be good news, fucking Jack!" 
- Eddie Moskone, bail bonds

"The world is a very cool place."
- Miller Brewing Co.

"Folding sheets is really a spiritual exercise. If you can fold fitted sheets, you can do anything."
- Rich Fuchs

"Money: what you'd get on beautifully without if only other people weren't so crazy about it."
- Margaret Harriman

"Drinking: something to do while getting drunk." 
- Peggy Bracken

"Whiskey: a torchligh procession marching down your throat." 
- G.W. Russell

"Philosophy: a blind man in dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there."
- Lord Bowen

"I mean [Descartes] must have suffered a terrible mind-body split, and he's publicized it as if it were a good thing." 
- Carol Hill, _The 11-Million Mile High Dancer_ 

"Who then can warm my soul?
Who can quell my passion?
Out of these dreams - a boat,
I will sail home to you."
- Enya, "Exile"

"Still, there's nothing quite like [industrial music] - the sound of a horrible accident on an assembly line, with a beat you can dance to." 
- Entertainment Weekly

"But if the archangel now, perilous, from behind the stars took even one step down toward us: our own heart, beating higher and higher, would beat us to death. Who ARE you?"
- Ranier Maria Rilke, _Duino Elegies 2_

"Some days my feet are feet of mud,
It all goes slow-mo
I don't know why I'm crying,
Am I suspended in Gaffa?"
- Kate Bush

Paul's Law: "You can't fall off the floor." 

"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn." 
- Anon.

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." 
- Anon.

"One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duck tape to make them stop."
- G. Weilacher

"Duck tape is like the force: it has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
- Anon.

"If you can't fix it, duck it. If you can't duck it, fuck it." 
- Traditional

"If you can count you money, you don't have a billion dollars." 
- J. Paul Getty

"Hey, who took the cork off my lunch?"
- W.C. Fields

First Law of Midterms: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. 

"Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn." 
- Anon.

"I don't believe it - there are two beautiful women outside, and you're in here dropping wolfbait. Light a match, light a fire, do something...." 
- Gary, _Wierd Science_

"Well, you get what you settle for."
- Louise Sawyer, _Thelma & Louise_

"Come on! They're your sins. Live with 'em - I do." 
- Nelson, _Flatliners_

"And if the music stops, there's only the sound of the rain 
All the hope and glory, all the sacrifice in vain And if love remains, though everything is lost... WE WILL PAY THE PRICE, BUT WE WILL NOT COUNT THE COST." 
- Neil Peart, "Bravado"

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
- Mark Twain

"And then the rains came. They came down from the hills and up from the Sound. And it rained a sickness. And it rained a fear. And it rained an odor. And it rained a murder. And it rained dangers and pale eggs of the beast. Rain fell on the towns and the 
fields. It fell on the tractor sheds and the labyrinth of sloughs. Rain fell on toadstools and ferns and bridges. It fell on the head of John Paul Ziller. Rain poured for days, unceasing. Flooding occurred. The wells filled with reptiles. The basements fi
lled with fossils. Mossy-haired lunatics roamed the dripping peninsulas. Moisture gleamed on the beak of the Raven. Ancient shamans, rained from their homes in dead tree trunks, clacked their clamshell teeth in the drowned doorways of forests. Rain hissed
 on the Freeway. It hissed at the prows of fishing boats. It ate the old warpaths, spilled on the huckleberries, ran in the ditches. Soaking. Spreading. Penetrating. And it rained an omen. And it rained a poison. And it rained a pigment. And it rained a s
- Tom Robbins, _Another Roadside Attraction_ 

"I know the problems of two lonely people don't amount to a hill of beans in this world, but darling, this is our hill, and these are our beans." 
- Frank Drebbon, _The Naked Gun_

"Virtue is its own punishment."
- ?

"Go to her door. Beg like a human."
- Lt. Worf, giving romantic advice

"We're Frank Hereford's Raiders,
We're raiders of the night
We're all sons of bitches,
We'd rather fuck than fight
So highty, tighty, Christ Almighty, who the fuck are we? We're the wham, bam, thank you, ma'm,
Men of the U of V"
- Rugby Road

"You know what? It doesn't get any better than this - this moment is golden." 
- UVa alum, COLL '73, upon witnessing "4th Years on the Lawn" 

"If I could give a shape to this ache that I have for you 
If I could find the voice that say the words that capture you I think I know why the dog howls at the moon." 
- Johnny Clegg, _Dela_

"Things fall apart."

"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." 
- H. H. Munro

"Pre-Menstrual Syndrome: Just before their periods, women behave the way men do all the time."
- Robert Heinlein

"Rascality has limits; stupidity has not." 
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"When you hear hoofbeats, expect horses, not zebras." 
- ?

"If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." 
- Florence Kennedy

"To deny we need and want power is to deny that we hope to be effective." 
- Liz Smith

"The main problem in marriage is that, for a man, sex is a hunger - like eating. If a man is hungry and can't get to a fancy French restaurant, he'll go to a hot dog stand."
- Joan Fontaine

"You have to decide at the end of the day if you can live with yourself." 
- Princess Anne

"Don't accept rides from strange men - and remember that all men are strange as hell."
- Robin Morgan

"A liberated woman is one who has sex before marriage, and a job after." 
- Gloria Steinem

"All four winds together can't bring the world to me Shadows cast a play of light, so much I want to see Chase the sun around the world,
I want to look at life - In the Available Light. I'll go with the wind,
I'll stand in the light."
- Neil Peart

"It gives me great pleasure to say that, although the vivacity of these blooded colts of the University frequently leads them into all sorts of deviltries and excesses, they have almost invariably the manners of gentlemen."
- P.C., 1853, on Wahoos

"This ain't no party.
This ain't no disco.
This ain't no foolin' around."
- David Byrne

Take me back to the Unabridged List!

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